I need a lawyer. Do you know a good lawyer?
I’ve made an adorable friend here in San Carlos, he’s a handsome Mexican cat who lives near the dustbin compound but he knows loads, he tells me I’m being robbed, that I should get myself a lawyer. I like him a lot, he tells me that one day he wants me to have his kittens, he’s all the time going on about that. My Mexican friend tells me lots of other things too… like, I should be paid the national minimum wage for the work I do because he thinks I’m being treated like a slave. Did you know there’s a minimum wage here in Mexico and it’s eighty-eight Pesos a day? I didn’t know that until my adorable Mexican friend told me. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a national minimum wage or even what a national minimum wage was. And now I’ve found out that back there in England the national minimum wage for a cat is three pounds and seventy an hour. Do you believe that? Did you know that? Me, on this ship I don’t even get paid any minimum wage.
I don’t get paid nothin’, nothin’ at all, I have to work all day and every day just to get my terrible food…
So my handsome Mexican friend said he’s gonna tell me everything I should do. He’s gonna be my advisor. He says I need to get a good lawyer. I told him I signed-on this ship against my will, that I was kidnapped in the middle of the night when I was just a little kitten, that I was made to travel all the way to Mexico in a little cage when I didn’t even know where Mexico was. My adorable Mexican friend cried proper tears when I told him that, he said that’s called press-ganging and that’s been illegal these last three hundred years. You see he knows lots of things about everything… he tells me that International Maritime Law doesn’t even apply to cats, that I’m being taken advantage of, that I’m just a slave really.
So I’m looking for a good lawyer, maybe you can help me? Do you know a nice lawyer? It’s got to be a lady lawyer who knows about cats and everything about that national minimum wage thing. All about slavery, employment law and all about International Maritime Law relating to cats, that’s very important so my lawyer has to know everything about that too. I don’t want just any old rich lawyer who just wants my money, my adorable Mexican friend said there’s plenty of those scoundrels around too, that I need to be careful. I want a beautiful London lady lawyer who knows everything there is to know, one who simply adores cute little cats like me and who can one day rescue me, an elegant lady lawyer who wears one of those splendid grey wig things when she’s standing up there in court making magnificent speeches and everyone claps their hands.
I’ve got money, I’ve got plenty of that stuff, I’ve got nearly two pounds and my adorable Mexican friend has got some money he’ll lend me too so long as I pay him back that much twice. He says if I give him my money to keep safe he’ll triple it in only thirty days. I keep my money my mom gave me under my… well I shouldn’t really tell you that should I. So in about a month I’ll have triple what I have now and a lot more besides, my handsome Mexican friend will be my advisor and I’ll have a beautiful lady lawyer from London who will rescue me.
If I can’t escape back to England, if I can get paid the Mexican minimum wage which is my rights, I can easily save all my money. Then when I get ten pounds I can pay my lawyer and my own way back to England, perhaps my dream will come true when I go to live with my beautiful London lady lawyer. I’ll get to eat proper organic food and not this Mexican shit that’s got things in it, this horrible stuff here in Mexico which when I complain to the dustbin cats here in San Carlos eight out of every ten of them tell me they refuse to eat.
Will you help me?
Don’t you be fooled. Nellie gets wholesome Mexican cat food we buy in bulk down at the discount store which we get at a good price on its sell by date. She’s a happy cat, she’s always purring but we do have a serious job description problem.
Ship’s cats are supposed to keep down vermin onboard but Nellie’s catching things down in the harbour then bringing them back to Sänna. I think we’re supposed to be pleased with her but so far she’s brought home huge red cockroaches, crickets that got under the bunk then kept us awake all night and a dragonfly the size of a pterodactyl… ones which are supposed to be extinct.
We’ve tried our hardest to teach her that’s not the thing to do but we’re not making much progress. So we’re reviewing her employment and we’ll see how things go.
Nellie the Ship’s Cat has her own Facebook page. You can Like it and comment whenever you feel the need. Please Like her page… it will make things easier to get her back home to England, there is a method to the madness.