This is what happened. Don’t let anyone else say different coz I was the one that fell into the sea. 

It was that dog from the other boat, the boat that was tied right next to us. I got bored so I went down through their hatch, the one they’d left open, I wanted to take a look around but of course that stupid dog thing wasn’t around then was it. I found some food left out in a bowl on the floor so I ate it. It was there doing nothin’ so why let it go to waste?

Then I found were they kept that food so I opened the little door and got it out, I ate that food too but what’s wrong with that? I have to catch all my own food on my boat.

Then I heard voices coming so I hid under the great big table but that straggly horrible dog thing found me and started making a terrible noise. It was an awful noise, I couldn’t get away and then it started licking me all over. The people started screaming saying I was a rat, but I’m not a rat. Do you think I’m a rat? Do you even think I look like a rat? I think I looked like a rat when that dog covered me with its slime. I smelt horrible. Then when I scratched his smelly nose he ran away.

So I quickly leaped out through their hatch when that dog chased after me. I ran back to my boat where I live these days, I say live but it’s just an existence really. But that dog kept chasing me all the time when it was getting dark, even coming onto my boat to find me so I scratched his nose and made some blood. I liked that very much but he didn’t like that at all. I was frightened and shaking all over but then I saw he wasn’t made of much, so I chased him all the way back to his boat, I cut him off when I jumped through the same hatch and then he rolled onto his back coz I think he was enjoying it. He chased me back so I ran fast and tried to climb up our big white sail to get away. 

That’s when I fell a long way down all the way into the sea.

It was horrible. It was wet and cold. I got stuck under the boat so I had to try to do that swimming thing, you know, when you paddle your little legs really fast to save your life. It was all dark and horrid when I couldn’t breath no air. Then suddenly, in the darknesses, I saw lots of sharks and a big black octopus thing that even tried to eat me. Then an enormous shark came fast upon me and I paddled my little legs even faster, by now lots of sharks were circling all around me. Then that octopus tried again to eat me and by now I was really really frightened. I hid under the boat for a long time and was shaking, I couldn’t breath because I’d closed my nostrils and by now I think I was dying. 

But then I saw a great white light and a big hand in the water that was trying to find me. So I paddled really quickly with my tired little legs towards the nice hand in the water, but that octopus thing got its awful squiggly arm around me and then another big shark tried to eat me. But the man’s hand got hold of me, he had a knife that he stabbed the great big octopus with and so he’s the bravest who saved my little life. I think his name was Batman or something like that or maybe it was his friend who he called Robin, then another lady came to help very quickly all dressed up like a cat, I think they called her Cat Woman. Then that Spiderman flew by and dropped onto my boat to see if I was alright. Spiderman said I’m too little to be a ship’s cat and I should be home back in England where someone will love me. I saw that strange Cat Woman keep looking at me, she was trying to copy everything I did. When I walked all wobbly she walked all wobbly too. When I tried to clean my bum she tried to do that too.

Then someone they called Captain America put me under a shower thing and washed me down with all nice clean water, then he got a towel and dried me and dried me, he rubbed and rubbed which I really liked very much, that made me purr so I deliberately shivered a lot to make him rub me some more. It was frightening being in the water when I didn’t know what to do. But Captain America knew just what to do, he dried me all over until Spiderman pushed him away saying it was his turn too. I purred ever so loudly and then that Cat Woman, she purred too. Batman came by to say he’d saved my life and could I mention him in my story. Robin was there and he asked if there was anyone I knew who could help me escape back to England. I told him that nobody loved me and hardly anyone cares, Robin said that happens to him all the time too. Then that Cat Woman hissed at me and I ran to hide under the carpet.

I’ve pleaded with you lots of times to help me, to write letters and things but you never listen. I’m only a little cuddly kitten who has to work so hard every night just when I want to lie down and sleep. And I don’t like this Mexican food coz it’s got things in it, my sisters don’t have to eat this food, they get Kitekat, Whiskers or even Sheba. I’m an English lady cat, I’m a little aristocat not a working dustbin cat and I want to come to your house to sleep on your knee. I want to love you forever and not ever ever be in any more danger…

Nellie, The Ship’s Cat

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What really happened folks is that Nellie went into someone’s sailboat when we were tied up in Santa Rosalia. She climbed through their hatch which they’d left open and, we we’re told afterwards, finished their dog’s food before proceeding to help herself to more from their cupboard.

When they came back onboard their dog chased Nellie out of their boat and back onto Sänna. They played chase for a while before Nellie climbed up the sail showing off, then fell down into the sea. It was pitch-dark and we had some trouble finding her. But she’s fine now that she’s learned to swim.

Dave, Santa Rosalia, Mexico. June 2018

Nellie the Ship’s Cat has even got her own Facebook page now, someone’s been fooled and taken pity on her. You can Like it here.

• Nellie The Ship’s Cat